Bring in the Clowns

Dear Madame L,

Do you ever get the feeling that the Republicans who are claiming they might consider running for President in 2012 are just making the most of a conservative media frenzy for sometimes-fake news? 

Do you see any difference between some of these clowns and, say, Charlie Sheen?

Signed,

Just Wondering

Dear Wondering,

Answer to second question: Not much. 

Answer to first question: Yes. Let's review the clowns currently in the big tent:

---Newt Gingrich, whose second wife (yeah, she's bitter, but she's more believable than he is) says she thinks he keeps teasing the public with the idea of running just to keep piling in more money (check out his just-launched "exploratory Web site," with its "Donate Today" button the most prominent feature); 

---Mike Huckabee, who still can't give up playing the race and hate cards when he talks about Barack Obama, insisting President Obama was raised in Kenya by a family that hates all things Western;

---Donald Trump, whose name alone produces gales of laughter in political circles;

---Sarah Palin, who has made up a fake Facebook persona to "Like" everything the real Sarah Palin says;

---Chris Christie, the governor of New Jersey, who says he could win the nomination right now even though he has no chance of winning the actual election;

---Mitt Romney, who presided over the best state-sponsored health plan ever in the U.S. but now backs away from it to please the super-conservative party leaders;

---Buddy Roemer, whom Madame L has never heard of, either;

---David Petraeus, who as far as Madame L knows hasn't expressed any actual interest in the job;

---Jeb Bush, about whom Madame L can think of nothing positive to say, except he's not George W;

---Rudy Giuliani, in his dreams;

---Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, whom Madame L will always remember for thinking that volcano monitoring is not very important; 

---Charlie Crist and Lindsey Graham, oh, puh-leeze, give Madame L a break.

Sincerely, while channeling Bobby Dylan ("Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..."),

Madame L

What About Sarah Palin?

Dear Readers,

"Don't Know How To Vote" asked yesterday what Madame L thinks of Sarah Palin as a Republican candidate in the 2012 election.

Madame L replies:

Madame L doubts that Sarah Palin will really attempt to run for president in 2012; or, if she did, that Republican Party leaders would take her seriously.

Madame L would love to write more about Sarah Palin, except that she has so many other, much more valuable, things to do.

Please Google "Sarah Palin" to find out more.

With only 20 months until the 2012 elections,

Madame L

What About Mike Huckabee? Sarah Palin?

Dear Madame L,

Okay, maybe you have a longer memory than me (plus you were born so long ago!) and so you remember all those things about Newt Gingrich that someone like me never even knew.

But what do you think of Mike Huckabee and Sarah Palin as Republican candidates in the 2012 presidential election?

Sincerely,

Don't Know How To Vote

Dear Don't Know How,

First, here's how to vote: go into the polling place and sign in, wait in line until it's your turn, and then go into the booth and read the instructions, and vote. It's really easy.

Or, if you live in a state where you can vote by mail, it's even easier: the election commission sends you everything you need, and you vote.

Sorry, Madame L couldn't resist.

As for Mike Huckabee: No, and double no. He's a liar and a deceiver. He has even claimed that President Obama was raised in Kenya, that he was influenced by his grandfather's (supposed) involvement in the Mau Mau revolt to think differently about politics than the rest of us "true" Americans do, and that he's not as solid-apple-pie American as most "real" Americans, in part because he didn't go to Boy Scouts when he was a kid and also because he attended a "madrassa" instead of a "real" school.

So, Mikey is not quite a Birther. Madame L hereby invents her own term for Huckabee et alia: an Aliener: someone who, for purely selfish political reasons finds it convenient to use conservative code words to exclude our President from the mainstream in order to give ignorant and small-minded xenophobes and racists an excuse to dismiss him.

When Huckabee and other Alieners can't do that with the truth, they make things up; thus, ignorance safely maintained, the deceived feel safe in voting for someone like the former governor (who by the way hasn't even declared his candidacy, and may not, because he's currently making so much money as a conservative pundit).

President Obama was born in Hawaii raised by his American mother there and in Indonesia, where he attended a Catholic school at first and then a government-run school ("madrasah," which is the Arabic word for "school" and in that context has no religious or political significance). Later he lived with his grandparents in Hawaii while his mother continued her work as an anthropologist in Indonesia.

President Obama's father was born in Kenya, as was his paternal grandfather. His paternal grandfather was arrested by the British before the Mau Mau revolution and his family was not affected by anti-British sentiment because of the revolution (or anything else).

President Obama did not "insult the British government" by returning a bust of Winston Churchill to them, another lie Huckabee has repeated. The bust was on loan to the Bush administration, was scheduled to be returned before Obama took office, and was returned in due course and now sits somewhere in the British ambassador's residence.

Preisdent Obama replaced it with a bust of Abraham Lincoln --- Madame Elle hopes Huckabee isn't going to make hay out of that! --- and keeps in the Oval Office the desk made of timbers from HMS Resolute and other British artifacts.

There's more: Madame L wonders where Mike Huckabee got the idea that most Americans have belonged to the Boy Scouts. Madame L, along with every girl and woman in America, hasn't belonged to that organization, and neither have more than half of all American boys. Yet President Obama IS the honorary president of the Boy Scouts, DOES sign Eagle Scout certificates and life-saving awards, and so on. To those who are offended because President Obama had more important things to do than to attend some Boy Scout celebration last year, Madame L notes that if he had attended that celebration, those same people probably would have complained that he should be attending to more serious matters.

Here's an interesting comment on why Mike Huckabee may come to regret his insinuations about Barack Obama.

About Sarah Palin, former half-term governor of Alaska, Madame L will have much to say. Tomorrow.

Thanks for asking, and for thinking about your vote,

Madame L

What if Newt Gingrich Runs for President?

Dear Madame L,

What do you think of Newt Gingrich?  What do you think of his chances of winning the presidency in 2012? Also, would you vote for him?

Signed,

Confused Voter

Dear Voter,

First, in a word, Eeeeeww.

Second, Madame L thinks his chances of becoming president are nil. In fact, Madame L notes that Gingrich's second wife says he lied to her when he married her, lied to her when he divorced her, lied to everyone about when he started dating his first wife; she adds that he's not really interested in becoming president as much as he is in getting rich.

Yes, she sounds bitter. Why, you may ask? After all, she's the wife he married after visiting his first wife in the hospital while she was recovering from breast cancer surgery to talk to her about the divorce. Double eeeeeeww.

And then you remember that he divorced her, the second wife, after having an affair with a Congressional staffer, who became his third wife. Triple eeeeeewww.

More importantly, Madame L remembers when Gingrich became Speaker of the House of Representatives in 1995, and the disaster that followed. And she remembers how his own party arranged for him to lose that job because he did such a bad job of it.

Third, not even when the residents of that fiery place of eternal damnation are skating around on ice skates would Madame L vote for Gingrich. For dogcatcher. For lamplighter. For anything.

Sincerely and with immense repugnance,

Madame L

Who invented those little plastic things?

Dear Madame L, 

Who invented those little plastic things that hold price tags on new clothes, and why do they put them right in the seam of the clothes so if you try to tear them out you rip a big hole in said clothes?

Answer: Did Madame L say she would answer all questions? Well, yes, she did. And she's telling you now that her answer to some questions, alas, will have to be, "I don't know."

Madame L has NOT been able to find, after a thorough 3-minute search of the Web, who invented those little plastic things that hold price tags on clothes and other items. Nor does she know why clothing manufacturers place those little plastic things where they do. However, she has noticed recently that they seem to be placing them in labels instead of the clothes themselves. Maybe that's because people like you and Madame L have complained so loud and long about ruined clothes.

Madame L HAS been able to find an interesting article online about why you should never try to tear those little plastic things off with your teeth. It's the same reason you should not be opening soda cans with your teeth, biting your nails, sucking on lemons or your thumb, and a number of other nasty habits: It will damage your teeth. 

Searchingly,

Madame L

More About Bottled Water, and a New Question

Dear Madame L,

I have enjoyed reading the questions posed by "Boggled," along with your answers. I want to share some things about bottled water that I learned in my Environmental Science class from a few years ago. Did you know that bottled water does not have to meet the same cleanliness standards as our culinary tap water? 

In fact, according to my environmental-scientist-neighbor, who is also the head of the Environmental Science Department at our local university, 20% of bottled water has unacceptable levels of bacteria in it, as compared to culinary water standards. That means that one in five bottles of water don't meet basic cleanliness standards!! 

Also, bottled water can be marketed as "spring water" if it is bottled within a certain distance of a spring, like a mile or something. In other words, it doesn't have to have anything to do with the spring in order to be called spring water. At least, that's how my memory serves me from what I learned in class.

And now, I have a question for you. Yesterday I heard on the news something about earthquakes happening in Arkansas, and how research is being done to find out if they could be triggered by drilling for natural gas. Is there any possibility of truth to that? Can earthquakes be triggered by the actions of man?

Sign me,

Wondering 

Dear Wondering,

Thanks so much for your comments and additional information about bottled water. Yuck! That makes Madame L even more determined not to buy or drink the stuff.

Now, to answer your question about natural gas and earthquakes:

Yes, it's possible that there is a connection between drilling for natural gas and the injecting of water into the ground as part of that process, and earthquakes --- as well as flames shooting out of the kitchen faucet instead of water and underground fires that have resulted in the evacuation of entire towns.

As you know, one of the documentary films nominated for an Academy Award this year was "Gasland," which covered the issue very thoroughly and objectively. (The movie is available now at Amazon.com for $13.49 plus tax and shipping.) The director researched the issue at the request of people in Arkansas who experienced all kinds of problems as a result of the drilling. One major concern is that federal and state regulations were lifted, so that clean air and water provisions were not followed in the drilling.

You may NOT know that the lobbying association for natural gas companies tried to get the Academy to withdraw this film, but the Academy replied that it would "Let Academy voters have their say."

You may be interested in a reading about a discussion of the issue at Hendrix College in Arkansas. 

Please also consider writing to the USGS "Ask a Geologist" page for more information about the geologic formations where natural gas is found.

Yours in wondering, boggling, and asking,

Madame L

A Few Questions, Part 4

Dear Boggled,

Finally, Madame L answers your second question: Why does mineral water that "has trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "use by" date?

Madame L might wonder if you were taking a geology class and hoping to have her do your homework for you, if she didn't know you better.

No, Madame L realizes that you have been reading the labels of bottled water, and she commends you for doing that. It is very instructive, is it not?

Madame L, like you, wonders at the unmitigated gall of the water-bottling companies that claim to be bringing you the purest of water in a plastic bottle. Ugh. Impossible. 

The expiration date is probably based on the fact that after some time, especially if you've been keeping your water bottle in the sun or heat, the water will begin to taste like plastic. That's because some of the plastic molecules will have seeped into the water. Double ugh.

You may be interested to know, too, that some of the supposedly pure water being bottled by some very big bottling companies actually comes straight from the tap.

So why are people paying for this water? Madame L has no answer to this question, but she thinks the people who thought of bottled water are very, very smart people who must be getting very rich now.

Madame L refuses to buy bottled water except in the direst necessity. When she needs to carry water along with her, she fills her own glass or metal bottles with her own tap water.

Glug-glug-glug,

Madame L