Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Unwanted Search Engine

Dear Madame L,

All of a sudden whenever I open a new tab on my browser a new search engine appears. It's called Delta Search, and it has a lot of ads and it is clearly tracking and reporting every move I make on my computer, because after I search for any item, ads for those same kinds of items keep appearing on whatever page I open next. I don't like it, I didn't ask for it, and I want to get rid of it. Can you help me?


I Can Choose My Own Search Engine, Thank You Very Much

Dear Searching,

Actually, without knowing it, you DID ask for this search engine at some point when you uploaded and installed some free app on your computer.

Madame L has found a great uninstall guide for getting rid of Delta Search. If you'll follow these instructions, you'll be fine. However, Madame L notes that the last two steps say to install some registry-cleaning and malware-detection software---which contradicts the instructions given earlier not to download and install software you're not familiar with.

Madame L recommends that you get some kind of computer and Internet security program that you trust, i.e., not some free download, and then don't install anything at all on your computer that you're not absolutely sure of.


Madame L

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Guest Comic: Zawahiri and the Conference Call

This is the ACTUAL transcript of the CONFERENCE CALL that took place between al-Zawahiri, AQAP, Boko Haram and al-Shabbab, resulting in the closure of 22 American embassies worldwide:

Zawahiri: Praise be to Allah, thank you everyone for attending.

20 other guys: Hello? Is this thing working?

Zawahiri: Everyone, please just listen, if you can hear me we're good, I don't need to hear you.

20 other guys: Hello? Can you hear me?

Zawahiri: Everyone, please, just...

20 other guys: Hello? Can you...

Zawahiri: In the name of Mohammed, SHUT UP!

20 other guys: (Silence).

Zawahiri: OK, so thank you all for attending. We have some important business to discuss.

20 other guys: Who is this?

Zawahiri: I am Zawahiri.

20 other guys: No you're not.

Zawahiri: Yes I am, I am Zawahiri. I am your boss.

20 other guys: Well you're certainly not our boss.

Zawahiri: yes I am, Osama put me in charge.

20 other guys: (Whispering to their aides in their respective locations):  Did he just say Obama put him in charge?

Zawahiri: What are you, Republicans? I SAID OSAMA! OSAMA BIN LADEN!

20 other guys: (Silence).

Zawahiri: All right. Now, I need volunteers for a suicide mission. Who's up for it?

20 other guys: (silence).

Zawahiri: C'mon guys, I need some help here, who's ready to go to heaven?

20 other guys: (Silence).

Zawahiri: Who's ready to go to heaven after an all-expense-paid vacation in America?

1 of the 20 other guys: Will we go to heaven no matter what we do on this vacation in America?

Zawahiri: Of course. 

1 of the 20 other guys: Even if we have to go under cover and bang strippers so the Americans will not suspect us for our purity?

Zawahiri: Of course, this is to be expected. In fact you might have to bang a lot of strippers. But as long as you don't enjoy it, you will get into heaven.

19 of the other guys: ME! ME! I VOLUNTEER!

Zawahiri: OK, let me take a tally here... That's 19 of you, who's missing? Abdullah? Abdullah, I thought you, of all my followers, would be most ready to wage jihad. Do you have any questions about the assignment?

Abdullah: Yes, fearless leader.

Zawahiri: Well, go ahead, spit it out.

Abdullah: What if I don’t want to bang strippers? 

Zawahiri: Son, nobody wants to bang strippers. 

Abdullah: No, I mean I really don’t want to bang strippers.

Zawahiri: Oh. Would you perhaps also like to not bang some male strippers?

Abdullah: No.

Zawahiri: So you are not married, and you’ve never had a roommate. What is it, why do you not want to wage jihad in America?

Abdullah: Well I was hoping for someplace like Kuwait or Egypt.

Zawahiri: Ah, I get it. You know they also have camels in America?

Abdullah: (beat) OK, count me in!