Sunday, August 11, 2013

Guest Comic: Zawahiri and the Conference Call

This is the ACTUAL transcript of the CONFERENCE CALL that took place between al-Zawahiri, AQAP, Boko Haram and al-Shabbab, resulting in the closure of 22 American embassies worldwide:

Zawahiri: Praise be to Allah, thank you everyone for attending.

20 other guys: Hello? Is this thing working?

Zawahiri: Everyone, please just listen, if you can hear me we're good, I don't need to hear you.

20 other guys: Hello? Can you hear me?

Zawahiri: Everyone, please, just...

20 other guys: Hello? Can you...

Zawahiri: In the name of Mohammed, SHUT UP!

20 other guys: (Silence).

Zawahiri: OK, so thank you all for attending. We have some important business to discuss.

20 other guys: Who is this?

Zawahiri: I am Zawahiri.

20 other guys: No you're not.

Zawahiri: Yes I am, I am Zawahiri. I am your boss.

20 other guys: Well you're certainly not our boss.

Zawahiri: yes I am, Osama put me in charge.

20 other guys: (Whispering to their aides in their respective locations):  Did he just say Obama put him in charge?

Zawahiri: What are you, Republicans? I SAID OSAMA! OSAMA BIN LADEN!

20 other guys: (Silence).

Zawahiri: All right. Now, I need volunteers for a suicide mission. Who's up for it?

20 other guys: (silence).

Zawahiri: C'mon guys, I need some help here, who's ready to go to heaven?

20 other guys: (Silence).

Zawahiri: Who's ready to go to heaven after an all-expense-paid vacation in America?

1 of the 20 other guys: Will we go to heaven no matter what we do on this vacation in America?

Zawahiri: Of course. 

1 of the 20 other guys: Even if we have to go under cover and bang strippers so the Americans will not suspect us for our purity?

Zawahiri: Of course, this is to be expected. In fact you might have to bang a lot of strippers. But as long as you don't enjoy it, you will get into heaven.

19 of the other guys: ME! ME! I VOLUNTEER!

Zawahiri: OK, let me take a tally here... That's 19 of you, who's missing? Abdullah? Abdullah, I thought you, of all my followers, would be most ready to wage jihad. Do you have any questions about the assignment?

Abdullah: Yes, fearless leader.

Zawahiri: Well, go ahead, spit it out.

Abdullah: What if I don’t want to bang strippers? 

Zawahiri: Son, nobody wants to bang strippers. 

Abdullah: No, I mean I really don’t want to bang strippers.

Zawahiri: Oh. Would you perhaps also like to not bang some male strippers?

Abdullah: No.

Zawahiri: So you are not married, and you’ve never had a roommate. What is it, why do you not want to wage jihad in America?

Abdullah: Well I was hoping for someplace like Kuwait or Egypt.

Zawahiri: Ah, I get it. You know they also have camels in America?

Abdullah: (beat) OK, count me in!


AskTheGeologist said...

The truly funny thing was the fact that al-Zawahiri could figure out how to conduct a CONFERENCE call from Karachi, Pakistan, where he's been living for the past several years. Actually, that isn't the hilarious part per se - it's that he didn't think the NSA could crack his security.

I hear there are nice, isolated estates in the Punjab.

But WAIT! If you need to move precipitously, you MUST know that most Predator strikes target moving vehicles, right? You know - the one place where a woman is never allowed? It's to minimize collateral damage I understand.

Anonymous said...

To minimize collateral damage? I thought it was because moving targets are more sporting.