This is the ACTUAL transcript of
the CONFERENCE CALL that took place between al-Zawahiri, AQAP, Boko
Haram and al-Shabbab, resulting in the closure of 22 American embassies
worldwide:
Zawahiri: Praise be to Allah, thank you everyone for attending.
20 other guys: Hello? Is this thing working?
Zawahiri: Everyone, please just listen, if you can hear me we're good, I don't need to hear you.
20 other guys: Hello? Can you hear me?
Zawahiri: Everyone, please, just...
20 other guys: Hello? Can you...
Zawahiri: In the name of Mohammed, SHUT UP!
20 other guys: (Silence).
Zawahiri: OK, so thank you all for attending. We have some important business to discuss.
20 other guys: Who is this?
Zawahiri: I am Zawahiri.
20 other guys: No you're not.
Zawahiri: Yes I am, I am Zawahiri. I am your boss.
20 other guys: Well you're certainly not our boss.
Zawahiri: yes I am, Osama put me in charge.
20 other guys: (Whispering to their aides in their respective locations): Did he just say Obama put him in charge?
Zawahiri: What are you, Republicans? I SAID OSAMA! OSAMA BIN LADEN!
20 other guys: (Silence).
Zawahiri: All right. Now, I need volunteers for a suicide mission. Who's up for it?
20 other guys: (silence).
Zawahiri: C'mon guys, I need some help here, who's ready to go to heaven?
20 other guys: (Silence).
Zawahiri: Who's ready to go to heaven after an all-expense-paid vacation in America?
1 of the 20 other guys: Will we go to heaven no matter what we do on this vacation in America?
Zawahiri: Of course.
1
of the 20 other guys: Even if we have to go under cover and bang
strippers so the Americans will not suspect us for our purity?
Zawahiri: Of course, this is to be expected. In fact you might have to bang a lot
of strippers. But as long as you don't enjoy it, you will get into
heaven.
19 of the other guys: ME! ME! I VOLUNTEER!
Zawahiri:
OK, let me take a tally here... That's 19 of you, who's missing?
Abdullah? Abdullah, I thought you, of all my followers, would be most
ready to wage jihad. Do you have any questions about the assignment?
Abdullah: Yes, fearless leader.
Zawahiri: Well, go ahead, spit it out.
Abdullah: What if I don’t want to bang strippers?
Zawahiri: Son, nobody wants to bang strippers.
Abdullah: No, I mean I really don’t want to bang strippers.
Zawahiri: Oh. Would you perhaps also like to not bang some male strippers?
Abdullah: No.
Zawahiri: So you are not married, and you’ve never had a roommate. What is it, why do you not want to wage jihad in America?
Abdullah: Well I was hoping for someplace like Kuwait or Egypt.
Zawahiri: Ah, I get it. You know they also have camels in America?
Abdullah: (beat) OK, count me in!
2 comments:
The truly funny thing was the fact that al-Zawahiri could figure out how to conduct a CONFERENCE call from Karachi, Pakistan, where he's been living for the past several years. Actually, that isn't the hilarious part per se - it's that he didn't think the NSA could crack his security.
I hear there are nice, isolated estates in the Punjab.
But WAIT! If you need to move precipitously, you MUST know that most Predator strikes target moving vehicles, right? You know - the one place where a woman is never allowed? It's to minimize collateral damage I understand.
~~~~~
To minimize collateral damage? I thought it was because moving targets are more sporting.
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